Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
