i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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