I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
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