if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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