some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
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