There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
