we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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