Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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