i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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