Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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