I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
