In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Randomize
