I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize