The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
