I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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