The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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