I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
