I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
