I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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