we're blogging at a bar
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
