there's paper in my vomit.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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