I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
