No awkward lesbian experiences without me
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
