My cat gives me a boner
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
