im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
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