I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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