Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
