I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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