I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Randomize
