I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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