Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
