all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
where are you?
Hypothermia
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
