took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
