I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize
