Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
