rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
