Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
