It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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