Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Randomize
