I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
