I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
