also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Randomize
