I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
