Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
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