the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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