y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Randomize
