im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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