Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Randomize
