He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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