your room smells of hookers.
And success
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Randomize