All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
