I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I need water and some morals
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Randomize
