Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Sacagawea was the original milf.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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