Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
