Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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