clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Randomize
