Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
