whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Randomize
