My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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