so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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