I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
