So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
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