I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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