i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Randomize
